News aggregator
Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger
NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,...
Categories: The Onion
Mugabe Heckled By Parliament
President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What...
Categories: The Onion
[audio] Area Man Always Picked Last For Employment
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: The Onion
Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches
CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of turkey...
Categories: The Onion
Amish Population Boom
Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think?
Categories: The Onion
Hawaii Wins Little League World Series
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the championship game of the Little League World Series, a four-round, single-player tournament held from 2 p.m....
Categories: The Onion
Report: Dwyane Wade Left Cell-Phone Charger In China
MIAMI—After turning on his cell phone upon landing at the Miami International Airport Monday, Team USA basketball guard and gold medalist...
Categories: The Onion
[audio] Challenging New Iraq War Video Game Will Take 14 Years To Play
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: The Onion
Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3
WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in St....
Categories: The Onion
Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you
Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn!Dude! Party!What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the noise...
Categories: The Onion
FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager
WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an exhaustive...
Categories: The Onion
Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser
COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a common, higher purpose.
Categories: The Onion
America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race
The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our history....
Categories: The Onion
Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice
Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think?
Categories: The Onion
The Problem With Randomization
So I was trying to assign a randomized password to this lady today and here's what it gave her:
Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once
WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday as...
Categories: The Onion
Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports
DES MOINES, IA—Calling the bird her "special visitor," Eileen Lankford was impressed by its appetite and noted that he "certainly liked to get his tiny beak in there."
Categories: The Onion
Superintendent Draws Up 'Dream School Board' Of All-Time Greats
BROWNSVILLE, IN—Peter Geyer passed on legend Frank Caldwell, saying his reputation was more based on mystique when his plane crashed after only one year on the board.
Categories: The Onion
Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series At SorCon
SAN DIEGO—The new series will provide die-hard "Sorkies" with extended 40-minute walk-and-talks, faster dialogue, and a cast of over 70 main characters.
Categories: The Onion
